Ephesians 5:25 (NKJV) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
Jesus is asking us to love our spouse with Agape love, which is unconditional, as He Himself loves the church. The reason why many marriages break down is because they have been built on Phileo love, which is conditional.
Agape love is the undefeatable benevolence and unconquerable goodwill that always seek the highest good of the other person, no matter what they do. It gives freely without asking for anything in return and does not consider the object’s worth. It is a love by choice. In the context of marriage, it is an intentional kind of love that ensures the other person feels loved based on their love languages. This may be spending quality time with them by making time and giving them undivided attention, or giving words of affirmation to edify them by speaking of all the goodness found in them. It may be acts of service, which includes clarifying what your roles, responsibilities, and the expectations towards you are, and proactively working at them so as to minimise the stress points in the relationship.
For fathers, it is taking up that role seriously and refusing to be an “absent dad”. It may include offering help whenever there is a need even if it may fall outside your role and responsibilities. It may be buying gifts periodically and remembering special occasions and important dates. That’s God’s kind of love where He gave His only Son for us and placed the Holy Spirit within us, which is unlimited quality time.
Ephesians 6:4 (NKJV) And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.
Parents also need to make sure that they are loving their children with Agape love and not Phileo love. We need to be careful not to favour those who are more gifted academically. By being impatient with those who need more time to learn and favouring their siblings, they will feel the spoken and unspoken rejection, because parents’ body language and the facial expression speak just as much. It will only further damage their self-confidence and possibly lead to depressions or self-harm to numb the pain. Both parents need to take time to ensure that their children understand and feel that they are loved unconditionally, not just by telling them but with corresponding action.
A foundation laid well in the formative years will earn parents the right to speak into their lives later. Parents should also find time to discover their children’s love languages and let them know that their feelings matter to them. A strong foundation of unconditional love will help children to appreciate the discipline and rebuke they receive and not rebel in the teenage years, but if we keep correcting, rebuking them and removing their privileges without first developing the foundation of unconditional love, they are likely to rebel because they do not feel loved.
Sermon Series: How to love? (Part 1)
无条件的爱从家庭开始
以弗所书 5:25你们作丈夫的，要爱你们的妻子，正如基督爱教会，为教会舍己。
耶稣要我们用Agape的爱去爱我们的配偶，就是无条件的爱，正如基督爱教会那般爱教会。许多婚姻破裂的原因，是因为他们建立在了Phileo的爱上，是有条件的爱。
Agape (无条件)的爱是不可战胜的仁慈，是不可征服的善意，凡事为了别人的最大益处，无论他们做了什么。它是白白的给予，不求回报，也不考虑其价值。这是一种主动选择的爱。在婚姻里，这是一种有意为之的爱，确保对方基于他们的爱的语言感受到爱。它可以是腾出时间来与他们共度美好时光，全心全意地关注他们，或通过说出他们里面所有的优点以肯定的言语来造就他们。它可以是为对方做一些事情，包括阐明你的角色、责任和对你的期望，并积极主动地这么去做这些，以降低关系中的压力点。
对于父亲们来说，就是要认真地承担这个角色，拒绝做一个“缺席的父亲”。这可以包括在有需要的时候提供帮助，即使这可能不是你的角色和责任。它可以是定期地购买礼物，记住特殊场合和重要的日子。这就是神那样的爱，祂为我们赐下祂的独生子，把圣灵放置在我们心里，是永无止息的美好时光。
以弗所书 6:4你们作父亲的，不要惹儿女的气，只要照着主的教训和警戒养育他们。
父母亲们也需确保他们用Agape（无条件）而不是Phileo（有条件）的爱来爱他们的孩子。我们需要小心，不要偏爱那些成绩比较好的。如果父母对那些需要更多时间学习的孩子缺乏耐心，并偏爱他们的兄弟姐妹时，孩子会感受到那些说出和未说出的拒绝，因为从父母的肢体语言和面部表情已经说出。这只会进一步损害他们的自信心，并可能导致抑郁或自残，使痛苦变得麻木。父母双方都需要花时间来确保他们的孩子理解并感受到他们是无条件地被爱的，不只是告诉他们，而是有相应的行动。
在性格形成阶段打下良好的基础，这样才能使父母在孩子以后的生活中说话。父母也要花时间发现他们孩子的爱的语言，并让他们知道他们的感受对父母很重要。无条件的爱的坚固根基将帮助孩子感激受到的纪律和责备，在青少年时期也不会叛逆，但如果我们没有先建立起无条件爱的基础，而只是一昧的纠正、责备他们并剥夺他们的特权，他们可能会叛逆，因为他们感觉不到被爱。
讲章系列：如何去爱？(第一部分)
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