Song of Solomon 2:15 (NKJV) Catch us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have tender grapes.
There are many roles and responsibilities the married couple need to work on. Who will cook? Who will make the laundry? Who will prepare breakfast for the children? All these seem to be very trivial but truly it is the little foxes that spoil the vine.
Imagine two different personalities in the marriage, one is a dominant and the other is a detailed person. The dominant person is always fearful of being taken advantage and the detailed person is fearful or resentful of criticism. They quarrel over who throws out the trash and nobody wants to do it because they are too tired after work. The detailed person who is meticulous, calculative, love cleanliness and critical may ask the dominant husband to clear the trash. He does it once or twice but if he keeps doing it then he feels being taken advantage of. He criticizes her for being picky and being a perfectionist. She resents his criticism and gets angry. They harbor the taking advantage thought and the over perfectionist attitude. They may eventually decide to divorce and it all started over who throws the trash!
This is not how it should be. Marriage is servant leadership and the couple is one flesh. What we want others to do unto us depends on what we do unto others. Hence, be kind, appreciative and generous with praise. Walk the extra mile and don’t be calculative especially when the spouse is not well or tired. The two are one flesh!
Failure to clarify the roles in a relationship between the husband and wife has caused major marital disruption. There will be endless number of activities and responsibilities as a couple. We can assume that we know what role to play.
However, it is even more confusing in a society with gender confusion demanding gender equality. Each couple should discuss who is more competent to do the task. They should establish their own style of working together.
We should not blindly take example from our parents. Some practices may be based on their home background or tradition or what the church has taught. What seems to be a cultural norm to them may not work for you. It is important to look into the individual abilities, training, and temperament. The couple should deliberately and mutually develop rules, and guidelines as husband and wife so that it will not be a chaotic mess.
Who takes the role of being the bread winner for the family? Traditionally it has been the men who have worked hard to bring back provision for the family. However, in the current situation it may be the wife who is having a better and stable job that provides for the family. On the other hand, is this acceptable to the husband? It is something that the husband has to deal with whether his identity is able to accept it. It may not be easy to have the identity for man and woman to be known as a trailing spouse. However, if they love another and God is in their midst, the roles can be defined and the marriage will be made prosperous.
Sermon series: Before You Say I Do
小狐狸能毁坏葡萄园
雅歌 2:15 要给我们擒拿狐狸，就是毁坏葡萄园的小狐狸，因为我们的葡萄正在开花。
已婚夫妇需要承担许多角色和责任。谁来做饭？谁来洗衣服？谁为孩子做早饭？所有这些似乎都很琐碎，但的确是小狐狸毁坏了葡萄园。
想象一下婚姻中不同个性的两个人，一个是喜欢支配别人的，另一个是很追求细节的人。喜欢支配人的总是害怕被人占便宜，而追求细节的人则害怕或讨厌被批评。他们为谁去丢垃圾而争吵，因为下班之后双方都很疲惫了。追求细节的妻子精于算计，爱挑剔，爱整洁，她或许会叫她强势的丈夫去清理垃圾。他做了一次或两次，但如果他一直这样做他就会觉得被他老婆占了便宜。他批评她吹毛求疵，是完美主义者。她讨厌他的批评，变得很生气。他们老有被占便宜的想法和过于完美主义的态度。最终他们可能决定离婚，而这都是从谁扔垃圾开始的！
婚姻本不该如此。婚姻是仆人式的领导，两人要成为一体。我们要别人怎样对待我们，就要怎样待人，要仁慈，要感激，要慷慨赞美，宁可为对方多走一里路也不要计较，尤其是当配偶身体不好或疲倦时。夫妻是一体的！
夫妻关系中若未能分清彼此角色会造成婚姻很大的破裂。夫妻一起的活动和责任是没完没了的。我们可以假设我们知道扮演什么样的角色，但在一个要求性别平等或性别混淆的社会，将使这个角色更加混乱。每一对夫妻都应该讨论谁最胜任这项工作，他们应该建立彼此能够共处的风格。
我们不应该盲从我们父母的例子。有些做法可能基于原生家庭的模式（但要记住你父母的恩赐和你的恩赐并不一样），或基于传统，或基于教会所说的。那些文化规范可能对你无效。重要的是要看个人的能力，训练和性格。作为丈夫和妻子，夫妇要用心来定下共同发展的原则和方向，避免混乱的局面。
谁才是养家糊口的人？传统上，是男人们在努力养家糊口。然而，在目前的境况下或许妻子有一个更好更稳定的工作，能够提供家庭的所需，丈夫能接受吗？这是丈夫必须处理的问题，就是他是否能够认同这个身分角色。对于男女来说，成为一个依附配偶的身份都是难以接受的。但如果他们彼此相爱让神在他们之间做主，他们的身分角色就会稳定，从而带来一个幸福美满的婚姻。
讲章系列: 步入红毯之前
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