James 1:19-21 (NKJV) So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.
One of the key ingredients of a successful marriage besides having God in the centre of our lives is communication. Many marriages break down because of breakdown in communication or the lack thereof.
Communication is the process of sharing your- self, both verbally and nonverbally, in such a way that the other person can both accept and understand what you are sharing. Clear, concise, and timely communication is key to preventing misunderstanding. We also need to be aware of and guard against these four common types of miscommunications:
Placating: This person is a “yes man” or “yes woman” who is eager to please and apologetic. They will say things like “Whatever you want” or “Never mind about me”. They want to keep the price at any cost. The price they pay is the feeling of worthlessness. They hold their feelings inside and have difficulty expressing anger. They are prone to depression and illness.
Blaming: This person is a faultfinder who criticises relentlessly and speaks in generalisations. Some of their favourite phrases are: “You will never do anything right” and “You are just like so-and-so”. Blamers feel unworthy or unlovable, angry with the anticipation that they never get what they want. Given a problem, blamers feel the best defence is a good offense because they are incapable of dealing with or expressing pain or fear. Blamers need to speak.
Computing: This person is super-reasonable, stays calm, and collected, never admits mistakes, and expects people to conform and perform. The computer says things like “Upset? I am not upset. Why do you say I am upset?” Afraid of emotion, they prefer facts and statistics. “I don’t reveal my emotions, and I am not interested in anyone else’s”. Computers need someone to ask how they feel about specific things.
Distracting: The distractor resorts to irrelevances under stress, avoiding eye contact and direct answers. Quick to change the subject, they will say, “What problem? Let’s go shopping.” Confronting the problem might lead to a fight, which could be dangerous. Distractors need to know that they are safe, not helpless, and that problems can be solved, and conflicts resolved.
The next time you find yourself doing the above, remember that you are probably feeling hurt or stressed out about something. Also, if your spouse is resorting to one of these styles, you can ease their tension by being sensitive to the root of it, and find a safe way for both parties to talk. Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Therefore, we need to lay down a solid foundation for effective communication.
Sermon Series: Before You Say I Do (Lesson 9 & 10)
有效的沟通
雅各书1:19-21 我亲爱的弟兄们，这是你们所知道的。但你们各人要快快地听，慢慢地说，慢慢地动怒，因为人的怒气并不成就 神的义。所以，你们要脱去一切的污秽和盈余的邪恶，存温柔的心领受那所栽种的道，就是能救你们灵魂的道。
除了让上帝成为我们生命的中心之外，成功婚姻的关键之一就是沟通。许多婚姻会破裂是因为沟通失败或缺乏沟通。
沟通是是分享自己的过程，无论是口头上还是非口头上，使得对方能够接受并理解你所分享的。清晰、简洁和及时的沟通是防止误解的关键。我们也需要注意并防范以下这四种常见的错误沟通方式：
安抚型：这种类型的人是“唯命是从的“，渴望取悦对方，并时常道歉。他们会说“随便你”或“不用在乎我”。他们想不惜一切代价保持和平。他们付出的代价是感觉自己毫无价值。他们把感受藏在心里，很难表达愤怒。他们容易抑郁和生病。
责怪型：这种类型的人永远在找错误，无休止地批评，并且总是以笼统的方式说话。他们最喜欢说：“你永远不会做对任何事”和“你就像某某人一样”。责怪者觉得自己没有价值或不讨人喜欢，对自己的预期感到愤怒因永远得不到他们想要的。面对问题时，责怪者认为最好的防御就是进攻，因为他们无法处理或表达痛苦或恐惧。责怪者需要发言。
计算型：这种人非常理性，冷静和镇定，从不承认错误，并期望别人遵守规则和表现出色。计算型的人会说“不高兴？我没有不高兴。你为什么说我不高兴？”由于害怕情绪化，他们更喜欢事实和数据。“我不表露我的情感，我对别人的情感也不感兴趣。”计算型的人需要有人询问他们对特定事物的感受。
逃避型：面对压力时，逃避型的人会求助于无关紧要的事物，避免直接的眼神接触和直接回答问题。他们会很快转移话题，说：“什么问题？我们去购物吧。”直面面对问题可能会导致争吵，这可能是危险的。逃避型的人需要知道他们是安全的，不是无助的，并且问题是可以被解决和冲突是可以被化解的。
下次当你发现自己在做以上的事时，请记住你可能是因某事而感到受伤或压力。同样，如果你的配偶正在使用以上其中的一种方式，你就可以藉着对问题根源的敏感来缓解他们的紧张，并找到一个能让双方有安全感的方式来交谈。沟通是任何关系的命脉。因此，我们需要为有效沟通打下坚固的基础。
讲章系列：步向红毯之前 (第九和第十章）
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